My story starts in 2008: I was already a 27 year old woman, although perhaps not too clear on ideas of the heart, but I certainly had good intentions. I had no prejudice, no fear. This led me at times to sometimes have sex impulsively. This is natural behavior.
I was born in the ’80s, I learned what I knew about AIDS from listening to the conversations of my peers. But I was living in my dreams, in my dance, in my loves, my passions and my great friends.
Moreover, I did not like to confront people without tact and sensitivity. I’m still that way. To insist on the use of a condom would have broken the magic of the moment (I imagine that some people would argue with me, but I’m just explaining myself and how I live).
But all this started to feel like a contradiction within me. By the early summer of 2007 I had the first thoughts, the first raw fear, the first questions.
I was starting to have a showdown with myself (my conscience was tapping me on my head). From that time I started worrying until I took my first ELISA was about a year.
I decided to talk to my father. He understood my fear without too many words (he is a psychologist) and invited me to just be calm and take the test.
He was certain that I would be negative, but inside, I was certain of the opposite! I started to get panic attacks and cried a lot in the weeks prior to the first test.
Finally I took the test. A long wait, and then, a few weeks later, a doctor contacted me at home and asked me to repeat the test, in case the first result wasn’t correct.
I nodded, I knew what the result was.
I was ready for anything. It was the path I had chosen. The road that I knew. Now I had to trust them. I put myself in their hands. It was what I needed.
I told my family. I told everything to the guy I was then dating.
I met the man who today is the father of my daughter. A good man, an older man, a man different from me, who fearlessly faced everything with me.
Then I began the process of taking AIDS drugs, the ARVs. The doctor told me that my positive HIV test meant that I risked getting lymphoma even if I was feeling well, and that it was wise and prudent start the endless therapy that would give me the chance to live like a person not affected by this “virus”. I accepted willingly and continued my happy life.
Our daughter Nina was born in 2010, following the orders of the great doctors. During pregnancy they imposed four types of antiretroviral chemotherapy on me, the birth was scheduled with a C-section, I was told I could not breastfeed my daughter and there were invasive tests during pregnancy.
Then came 2013, the year of change, when I browsed a web page, and for the first time saw, “HIV does not cause AIDS.” Amazed, I read, studied, watched, for entire months, crying tears of joy and amazement. I was living with a shadow that I had got used to being within me. In time I understood how it had got inside my life, in my choices, my breath, in my joy. With my hand I pushed away every drug and every fear.
Within me, I now knew the way. I have reached such a level of consciousness with respect to my situation and to myself that I will never, ever turn back. Never.
I talked to a lawyer about suing the doctors who kept me in “care”. But he was not the right lawyer, and now I have some concerns with respect to this path. I think the legal route would only be pratical if we lived in a clean environment, where questions like this could be discussed rationally. And it would be very expensive, around 20 thousand €.
I severed all contact with the hospital that gave me the expensive medications that every morning I had swallowed. I told them to remove me from their records.
Today I should act differently. To do that I must imagine a new world, where there is no more ignorance, self-interest, prejudice and fear.
I have finally a reached a freedom that has made me the woman I am, a different person than if I had never experienced this. I have chosen the conscious and thoughtful way. But I will never have complete freedom as long as the mark of HIV exists because of idiotic and corrupted doctors.