I tested positive in 1992 after an unsafe sex experience at a sauna. When I went to RPA Sydney to be treated, the waiting room was packed with dying men sitting in a silence of despair. Some with lovers, some alone and some with mothers. It was shocking to see the hopelessness en masse and what my future would be like if I bought into that mass conscious. It compelled me never to go back. The Specialist admitted he knew nothing about HIV or how to treat it. He could monitor me, waiting for the inevitable deterioration, and in the meantime use me as a guinea pig for which I would have to pay. I didn’t go back. Why would I? HIV was an inevitable stepping-stone to an incurable AIDS and an unavoidable death. At the time, I was given 2 years to live. I was terrified.
What Were My Options?
1. Hope for a miracle. I had rejected god through his Roman Catholic Church when I chose to embrace being gay - in spite of the guilt and the intense fear of burning in Hell forever. Ironically it was in Catholicism that so much fertile emotional ground was prepared that lay waiting for something like HIV to come along and take root, later in life.
2. Scientific experimentation was trial and error and there would be many failures/deaths before there was a success. I wasn't willing to be “cannon fodder" and have to pay for the privilege. They said it would be 20 years before a cure was found.
3. I could lie down and die. It was an appealing choice. I was emotionally and physically bankrupt, was just divorced, had been robbed twice, was heavily in debt and was working 70 hours a week in a new business I had just set up. I had too much to do to lie down and die and my death would have caused much pain to those who loved me so much.
4. Heal myself. I had nothing to lose. I had a background interest in healing, psychology and metaphysics, and I already had a friend working in the self help area.
Within a week of my commitment to me, I met a HIV American who was using energy to heal himself following an insight he had in a near death experience. In a spiritual channeling group years before I had seen the laying on of hands as energy was passed from one person to another. The news gave me great hope and was the first of many signs that I was on the right path. It indicated that if I believed that something was possible then the Universe would show me that it was possible. Thinking, then belief, precedes experience I learned.
As I was the constant in every healing option I changed me; because obviously my healing was all about me. To do that I needed to know who I was and what was it about me that made me susceptible to the disease? Why did I get this disease? I began to do work on myself. Seminars in America, energetic clearings, emotional clearings, looking at who I was, having channeling sessions, listening to tapes, doing workshops, I did guided meditations, I did unguided meditations, I did Lazaris, I did Avatar, I saw psychics. I forgave my parents, I forgave myself, I forgave the past and people in it, I explored my distorted male energy and my distorted female energy and found out where I was creating my reality from, I found my inner child and healed him, I found my adolescent and recognized why I was so rebellious, I found my young adult, I recognized my martyr and victimhood, I discovered and explored my Dark Side and found the Gold that waits for you on the other side of it, I admitted my self sabotage, I cut my ego back, I learned to love, I learned the difference between love and sex, I moved beyond narcissism, I recognized, admitted and accepted my addictions, I acknowledged my anger and released it, I dumped people out of my life that didn't support me (including some of my oldest friends who were now no longer reflections of the new me that I had become), I interpreted and followed my dream patterns, I investigated my past lives and saw patterns from them repeated now and in so doing understood the true nature of karma and reincarnation of soul groups, the role of people from past lives in my life now and the cosmic play that was resulting; I explored concepts like abundance and the passing and taking on of energy between people sexually, I discovered my beliefs and created new ones and in doing so created a new life for myself. I began to understand what had happened to me over my life and why I ended up where I did and who I had become in the process.
I did homeopathy, had massage, Chinese medicine, kineseology, Reiki, acupuncture, yoga, Aromatherapy, essential oils, candles, crystals, a strict diet of steamed vegetables and fresh food, took Sunrider and Revenol products, cut down drinking and the number of sex partners, eventually stopped extasy and smoking dope (I had already given up cigarettes), de-toxed, injected 714X (a trial anti cancer treatment I had stumbled on in a new age magazine) visualized, nurtured myself with long hot baths in winter with candles incense and soft music, awoke to the sun rising over the ocean and didn't leave the house for a year other than to workout at a gym with my personal trainer and to see my parents twice a week. I cleaned out my astral and mental bodies. I cleared out my chakras. I swam, I took long walks along long deserted beaches, I was with myself. I wrote journals, I read, I read lots, I bought New Age Music to soothe me. You name it I did it.
I left Sydney and moved to the quite country. My father died of cancer 18 months after I moved there. We healed our rift on his death bed and I took another step closer to my own healing. I had become addicted to going to the gym in order to look good in order to feel good about myself and began taking steriods. I was still seeking acceptance in the outside world so in my belief system I knew HIV still posed a threat to me.
As I recovered and became stronger, I went back into the world, taking on a business partner, re-opening the office in Sydney, commuting there by plane each week, I became part of the community, winning an award for town leadership and leading environmental causes. I saw medical doctors only for one purpose – to get test results and these got better and better. The doctors were all the same. They only believed that medication was “the way.” They talked about getting AIDS as being only “a matter of time.” This didn’t make sense because I was now seeing life through a different paradigm and I was getting results. Einstein said that you cannot solve a problem from the same place as the problem arose. You need to go somewhere else. I had gone to many other places and rolled them all into one entirely new approach. I could feel the skepticism of the doctors. Eventually I didn’t mention what I had been doing, and they didn’t recommend that I take medication. It helped that I never saw the same doctor twice. There was so much fear in the clinics and I had learned that fear was what was making people sick and killing them. So naturally I had to go in the opposite direction to them.
I sat with Isaac in Satsang. Here I found inner peace and the knowing that I was healed. I could no longer feel any fear in my solar plexus. Laboratory tests confirmed my wellness with T cells between 600 and 890. After 8 years of being positive my testing doctor asked me if I was on drug cocktails. My viral load was at 4,710 and falling.
I've never had any HIV related illness, been on AZT, combination therapies or any traditional western medicine that has been prescribed for HIV. To me health is something that needs to be maintained and I’ve worked at getting well and healing my life. Disease is just an indication that your life is out of balance. Balance your life and everything in it becomes balanced. Am I a long term progressor? Perhaps. But it doesn’t feel like that. My aim is to get to 20 years without any western treatment and then people will have to sit up and listen and young guys will see that there are other options to healing.
From my experience I wrote “It’s All About Love: How To Have A Better Life” and “Healing HIV: Causes & Remedies.” Information is at my website www.StephenJensen.org
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